Paradise of the lost

Don be a stupid boy like me

God is a fair God. He tells u wat u deserve and u do not deserve.

Sometime, He loves me so much and I do not appreaciate. Now I understand His love. God, let me appreciate u more, make me more clever, stop letting me be so stupid, is it ok?

I never say myself stupid until this point of life. I am really stupid, pls don be as stupid as me.

What should I do next?

Once again, I ask myself why I am going to church? The answer I give to myself is not convincing.

My answer: It is because I am a christian so I go to church.

I think for a long time, which was yesterday, the sunday which I din go to church. I ask my housemate why he go to church. He told me because when he go to church, he is happy in the sense that he is meeting his family member(my own comment). He is looking for the answer of life. He is not baptised because he still hvnt found the answer.

Why would I, a christian for so many years, ask myself this question? There is a few reasons behind it. I had to admit it.

1) For many time, I would rather skip christian fellowship, bible study, prayer meeting because I want to follow my friend who change their mind not going to church.

2) If I put God first, I would had spend some time with Him everyday instead of 10 minutes out of 1440 minutes? Lol.

3) If I know I am going to church on sunday, I would have sleep early(at least at 12 or 1) to let myself got a good rest before going to church. Unless I got important stuff to do. But I am not, I instead opted to go watch football, dota, starbuck with my friend until 4or 5 in the morning and then "fishing" in the middle of the service. My intention of going to church is not there. I was merely go to church because I am a christian.

4) I begin to gv comment to the church I go. This is very bad. Since I bring quite some friends to church and they keep on ask me to gv comment, I am like being used to it to tell my feeling to other after every service I went. This is sux.

5) What am I doing in the middle of the service? Do i focus on the message? Yea, I am. But for the message which is boring? My mind just gone away.

6) Is it i go to church because of the music, pastor, friend? I dunno.

7) Can I sacrifice my time to God? Lol. I would say I rather go play than go church.

7) I lost my focus to God.

Many of my friends would wonder my sudden change. Sad to say, I am gonna stop going to church until I find back my focus. I don wan to go to church simply because it is a need for a christian to go to church. I wan to go to church because I know Jesus is real and I wan to follow His way.

Random

     It is already three weeks after my exam. At one time, I was hoping that my exam would end soon and now, my result will be out next week. Recalling back the time where I forced myself to digest and stuff all the information into my mind, I churckled at my silly attitude which has been plaguing me for ages. I had produced a few grandios study plan to help me get good grade in my exam but all plan never come to fruition. Luckily, I learnt my lesson for once, I get a part-time job as I promised myself not to waste my holiday again.

     Today was rather a mixed day for me. I embarked my day by going to work at 1. My working shift should commence at 6 pm but I went to work early since my manager rang me up to replace some1. My whole day was making popcorn at GSC and it was rather boring but that doesn't kill my will to produce good popcorn for the customers. Anyway, the popcorn doesn't taste good as I expected but fortunately, no 1 complain abt it. For anyone who is going to GSC at friday(23.11.2007), do drop a comment regarding the popcorn to me. I seriously wish to hear what u guy say abt my popcorn.

      Another embarassing excerpt of the day that I wouldn't like to share but I thk I need to admit my foolish act. I was going down the escalator from 7th floor of GSC. My mind was thinking something else and I din notice a young kid in front of me is trying to step at the escalator. I pushed him aside, get in front of him at the very eye of his parent. His mother yelled at me and I just acted innocent. I really donno wat the heck had got hold of me just now. This incident was followed up by a kid who knocked me aside and went ahead of me. At first, I wanted to shout at him but the incident before that just evoked in front of me, I held myself back . Retribution.
      Hmm... England lost to Croatia. Unexpected event is happening in the world and to me. I donno why I can suddenly lost focus. Why? Only God know. Lol.

      

I finally got it

      Last time, I dislike who always like to stick to a clique and only mingle around with the same few persons day in and day out. I try to ask myself, why don they open up their clique and invite ppl who come along to join them? This question had strucked me for years, and today, I finally got the answer I want.

      It is not that many people don wan to open up their clique and let other join. This is due to a clique is a group of friend who share common interest. U cant simply add an anonymous inside and be a total numb sitting there, cant interact nor communicate with u. Furthermore, the clique wont kw how to fit u in and I understand that they wont purposedly go and cram out an idea to help u assimilate in their group.

     Only the people in ur clique would understand ur character, weakness, feeling, etc. U don expect the stranger to discern ur feeling because they do not felt the need to do so. Furthermore, it would consider lucky if they had not make fun out of ur feeling.

     Time,  the perfect tool to help u understand what u r going on.

想太多

      When I first introduce to this song, my friend told that me the lyric, from the beginning to the end, is describing him entirely. As a guy who enjoy immersing in contemporary music, I just surf the net and listen to it. The intro of the song alrdy catught my attention, I din pay much attention to the song. The rhythm and title of the song already signalled me that this should be another sentimental song.

     Anyway, it turn out to be a sad and depressing song. Not that I don like the song, but I just cant carry along with it. The song is questioning me am I thinking too much. I tell myself. A firm YES. I don need even contemplate or skeptic when I tell myself. My brain is running wildly currently.

    I should be very happy today. I considered myself doing quite well in the test on9 and should be proud of myself instead of mourning. I too shouldn't be here mumbling and rambling my sad feeling in this blog. I wasn't this pressured if I not being called by my father. All those who are really close with me would know what I am going through. This is not the first time, my father is so much different from u guy. I did not blame it because God had every reason he provide this father to me.

     Everytime I was rang by my father, my mood will be carry away even I am feeling at the top of world for the moment b4. It is demoralising, like most of my friends around me, they never really gv me encouragement. Teasing and fooling around had become a part of my life. Sometime, I wan to tell them to stop but ya, they are my pals, wat to do.

     However, I personally do appreaciate 3 of my friends which are very very close with me in Sunway. One of them is my housemate, one of them is my coursemate and one of them is my friend who always let me stay overnight at his house. Everytime when I am in deep trouble, they are there for me. Even though most of the time they are teasing me away, but without them, i tell u i cant survive.

     Now the thing that is playing in my mind is, if that day my friend din walk back, what would happen to me at 4am in the morning? Will my name been published in the first page of the newspaper? Or ..... I just cant imagined what would happen. If I were him, what would I do?

ARggghhhhh, why my father just wanted to call me? If not I will be happily studying or smsing. It just kill of my mood. Maybe I just think too much. Now, I am ... screwed up.

From here to there

     Time doesn't not tick away, it fly. It was like a wink of eye and now I am in the 12th week of my first semester in Monash University, which is the second last week of the semester. In 2 weeks, I will be heading into exam hall and after that, travel back to Penang. I hope my current situation will just improve and I will hv the optimal condition to do the preparation for my exam.

     It is hard for me to write this down, but I had to admit. I hvn't been able to control my bad temper for the pass few days. Why? The blame will be put on to the undesired event to occur me for the past few days. I had cross over my limit and that is not a good sign. I am turning back to become a monster. It had been such a long time that I don cast expletive to my friends. Now, it return and haunt me again.

      When I had my dota game, I seldom let my anger explode due to some mistakes or noobness shown by my teammate. I personally believe that everyone is prone to making mistake since we are all human. We need to give some breathing space for those young and inexperienced player. But lately, when I find that I am playing a losing game, my mind went out of control. I don think of hurting them but it just burst out.

      And then, I attended my christian fellowship meeting yesterday and it talk abt "taming your tongue". It come in so timely when I just need a constructive word from God that tell me what to do. I just realised, at time, when we are making joke or cursing the people around us, we are unintendedly or unknowingly hurting them and killing them spiritually. To be honest, do we empathise all our friend feeling? Nope. Do we try to make them happy, encourage them instead of making fun out of them? Some are, but most of them no, to them if u can let a group of friends laugh and enjoy the joke, ur the man. This might sound harsh but the truth is always cruel.

     Youth nowadays doesn't really care. I specificallys stated here that this happen in everywhere, in university, church, temple, monastry, society, cyber cafe, etc. Where human exist, their trait and character come along. Let me throw this question to u. Hv u ever encourage a people sincerely by saying that ur result isn't that good, but u had try ur best, its ok and everyone around u enjoy ur support by laughing and chilling. No. People will tease u instead of showing support.

      This is what I known as, LIFE.

Thought that in my mind

     I had been indulging in DotA for quite some time. Recalling the youth service back in Penang, the speaker shared his experience and knowledge regarding the pro and con of gaming. The things that existed under the sun will sure have their benefits, tradeoff followed. Many time, we just accentuate on the benefits we gained and ignored the loss. This is where we started to lose our concentration and distracted from the big picture.

     The road that we are going through will never be easy. Obstacles, hardship, problems that we might encounter are countless and sometimes it lead us to a deadlock, an impasse that make us feel that there is no way out. This is the time where drugs, cigarettes, indulgence in brothels and all those bad stuffs come in. It tend to make us feel better for a while, but as we addicted to it, we become worse.

    How come I am writing about this? The reason is simple. I have seen so many many problems plaguing me and it had affected my life badlly. However, I am not still in the state that I cant overcome my problems. I am heading to that direction. Many people cant view my problems since I did not make myself transparent. Anyhow, I had promised myself not to get involve in those stuff even though circumstances might lead me to.

Undescribable

     This is the first time in my life that I am being place in such a situation. I dunno if this is a good feeling or a bad feeling. It is just so weird until no word can perfectly describe it. It doesn't make me feel awkward not happy, it is just different. I nvr felt like this b4. I had not been in this condition b4. argggggh.

     I need to go and play some games to erase this feeling. It got hold of me. God, help me.

     It is such a long time i post a post which doesn't carry any real meaning but it also cant really describe my current feeling. I am not who I am.

潘玮柏 - 玩酷

     Quite a number of famous artists had launched their latest album this year. Among the albums that had been released, I personally fall in love with 潘玮柏's album entitled 玩酷. To me, he usually have more rap then sing in his previous album, but this album change my perspective toward him. I dunno the genre of his song, however, his music and lyric is soothening and mellow to my ear. Until now, even though I only exposed to 2 of his songs, which are 完美故事 and 路太弯, I had already rated his album as the best among I had encountered so far this year, even better than from JJ Lin Jun Jie.

     How do I actually bumped into his song? I like to listen to song when I am playing dota. I logged on to website and found his new song 路太弯 . Since ages ago in my mind I recalled that he usuallly sing fast song, I just click it and listen to it. To my surprise, it is a sentimental song and the lyric is regarding the topic of love. The music is played for a good 2 hours, I dunno why the game last that long but I am satisfied with the song playing repeatingly throughout the game.

     By the way, I am currently tuning to the song 完美故事 . This song tempo is slightly faster than the previous one. Both are nice and it is since a long time I had like a song after I first heard of it. I felt that this song voice out the thing that is bugging my head for the pass few weeks. The song is speaking and hit straight at my problem. I am missing out something and it is that thing that will make my life perfect. I so love that song!!

     Last but not least, go and listen to his song. Go, now!

Thought

Time ticked away without a single sympathy toward me, my final exam is drawing near and assignments, submissions, interlearn excercises are all catching up. I had been caught by my complacency again. It is not the first time, but I still preferred to procrastinate when come to complete my stuffs. The day my lazy bone had not been extracted, I will still keep on slothing. Having enough experiences and examplesof of not be hardworking doesn't motivate me to strive harder in my study. Anyhow, I already started to get myself tune into study mode. The tuning is slow... That how the pressure build up.

I came across a journal reported human do thing more efficiently when they are in a group of 2 or 3. Hence, I find a study partner which will wake up in the early morning to study together. I try to use coffee to stimulate myself but the caffeine fail me. Instead of keeping me awake, I sleep more soundly and peacefully. Even the peircing sound of SMS ringtone and irritating vibration cant wake me up, who use to be a light sleeper. The caffeine backfired me!! There is actually an actuation that is driving me to study. I will not mention it here since this is my secret recipe to success. Some of you out there would know wat is it. I assured of that.

     Hmm.. there is an article that my lecturer shown it to me after the lecture session. I personally felt that the article is worth sharing. So, I am going to post it here. Before A and B got married, this is their conversation.

A: At last! Waited for so long. Cant wait any longer.

B: Do u want to leave me?

A: No, never would I.

B: Will u kiss me day and night?

A: Ya, every chance I got. Anytime.

B: Will u hit me when ur angry?

A: No, do u think i will?

B: Will u happy when u c me?

A: U make me feel like crazy.

B: Will u make me sad?

A: No, never.

B: Will u love me for ever and ever?

A: Yea.

B: Darling.

After they get married, guess wat happen?

Read it from bottom. Hope u all enjoy it.